Hi everyone! I hope all has been well with you. It feels like an eternity since I have posted on here. I didn’t expect to stay away from you guys, but my life was hit with one hell of a blow that we never saw coming.
Sadly, on June 14th, coincidently the last time I posted on here, my brother passed away unexpectedly. As a matter of fact, it was about an hour after I uploaded a post on here that the screams started happening on the other side of my house where my brother was found without a pulse and without breath. My other brother who has training as an EMT managed to revive him three times, but less than an hour after the ambulance took him he was pronounced deceased.
We had no idea what had happened. It all seemed surreal and I felt as if I had just been sucker punched. All he did was say he was going to take a nap on the sofa and suddenly we found ourselves with one less family member only minutes after talking to him. It turned out that it was due to his severe sleep apnea which he has had since he was 8 years old.
If you are unfamiliar with sleep apnea, it basically causes people to stop breathing several times during their sleep. The central nervous system fails to signal to the lungs and respiratory passage that it needs to breathe. It usually only lasts seconds, but sometimes it can last minutes and be fatal. According to the medical examiner, his sleep apnea caused him to stop breathing and it induced a heart attack which is why it was so difficult for my brother and the EMTs to keep him alive. His heart had been drastically damaged and weakened in the process.
If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with sleep apnea, PLEASE take it seriously. A lot of people don’t take it seriously because millions have it and manage to live long lives, but not everyone does. Thousands die from it every year and my big brother was one of them.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. I didn’t get to tell him I loved him before he was gone. So there I stood alone in the hospital room with my brother on a stretcher looking into his blood-filled eyes telling him how much he meant to me. The blood was caused from the defibrillator which doctors used five times on him to try to save him. It is the most horrible and traumatic experience I have ever gone through.
Needless to say, these past two months have been absolute hell for my family and I couldn’t even think of posting on here. I felt like shit to be perfectly blunt. I thought that instead of blogging in my room I should have been spending that last hour with my brother. My family and I needed some time to ourselves to mourn and find some sort of acceptance and I haven’t gotten on WordPress until now.
I realized that a tragedy can strike at any moment and it really doesn’t matter what you’re doing. You could be asleep, at school, at work, and in retrospect you will wish you were somewhere else with the person you love.
A lot of people try different methods as therapy during grief. My family sought out support groups and psychologists, but as usual I ran straight to my comfort zone which has always been books. When my mom was suffering from terminal cancer, I found peace through books and I desperately sought out that same peace yet again.
To people who are not readers, it may seem odd that I would find comfort in thin slices of trees with words on them. However, what they fail to understand is that books take my mind out of my current circumstances and allow me to step into someone else’s shoes. They bring me happiness when I’m sad, they bring me peace during chaos, and they bring me sweet silence when my mind is full of rage and heartache.
Since June 14th, I have read a total of 54 books. I think it proves just how badly I craved a little peace of mind from everything else that was going on. I was asked by someone how I could go about reading as if nothing had happened. She doesn’t comprehend that reading has always been my go-to activity when my whole world is falling apart. That doesn’t mean that I don’t cry constantly or that my heart doesn’t break at the mere mention of my brother’s name. Or that every time I eat a certain food he loved or listen to a song that was his favorite that I don’t feel that gaping wound in my heart opening more and more. I don’t expect people to understand. It’s not my job to prove anything to anyone.
As you can tell with all of the books that I’ve read, I have a lot of reviews to catch up on. It gives me something to do instead of think of all the milestones my brother will never get to experience. I will be posting on here as often as I can so please bear with me. I cannot guarantee that I’ll be able to post every week, but I will try.
I miss you all and hope that life has been treating you good. There is so much pain and loss in this world and I wish for all of you happiness and love. God bless. ❤